9-11

This date has always had a significance for me, long before 2001. My parents were married on September 11, 1954. They were both finishing college, with my dad going on to grad school with the eventual completion of a doctorate degree in chemistry. They were dirt poor, and sacrificed a lot to survive in those early years of their marriage. I was born on May 14, 1956--their first born child.

Today, I was thinking about my mom all day. I was wondering what it must feel like on your first wedding anniversary without your spouse. I know she wanted to go sit at the cemetery today, but the weather was not cooperating at all. I called her on the way home from work, and she sounded fine. I know she will never tell me how sad she is. She knows how much I still struggle coping with his death, and she will never say anything that would make me even sadder.

It seems like this year, there was less media attention given to the tragedy of 2001. I remember in past years, the radio stations had moments of silence at the exact times when the two planes hit the world trade center. Today, I didn't hear any mention of it on the radio at all.

Time seems to contribute more to healing than anything else. I have been discovering this as I deal with the death of my dad, and I think as a country we are also beginning to get over the events of 9-11-01. Never to forget, but with the knowledge that we all must move onward and forward.

Indian Summer

Yesterday was like a perfect Indian summer day, yet today I feel like fall is right around the corner. It's much cooler today, with almost a chill in the air.

Labor Day is such a perfect holiday. There are no gifts, no decorations, nothing special to do at all, except it's a day off from work. The name of the holiday has a certain irony, though, doesn't it? It's to celebrate the efforts of all the workers in the United States, yet instead of laboring today, we all have the day off from work.

As it gets cooler, I know I'm going to think about my dad more and more. This time last year, we were making pretty frequent trips to see my parents, because my dad really couldn't get around too much. If he was feeling somewhat strong, we would go out to eat, and if not, Ed and I would stop at Wegmans and pick up something to grill. I still have no desire to ever go to an Outback again. It was the last restaurant my dad was in. He liked the lamb chops there, and I remember the last time we were there he wanted a taste of my mom's margarita.

He would have been 78 on November 1st, but he died on last December 5th, and was buried on December 8th. I love you very much, Daddy, and think about you all the time.

Murder Death Kill

What a shocking story in the news about that Pittsburgh gun shooter at the LA Fitness Center. He killed three women and injured a bunch of others. It turns out he kept a blog. It is so clear from reading his blog that he hated all women and had no respect for anybody, including his immediate family. He was a real loner, and surely fit the profile of a psychopathic murderer.

Whenever I read stories like this, the first thing I think about is how random these types of killings are. It could happen to anyone, anywhere. He supposedly had an ex-girlfriend attending an aerobics class there, but judging from his blog, it was probably just someone he maybe dated once. This guy had NO real relationships with any women. That was his problem.

My dad has been gone 8 months today. I can’t believe it’s been that long. I miss him so much.

Death

Death. I am sick to death of death.

Farrah, Michael, now Karl.

I had no idea I spoke with my father 2 and a half hours the Sunday before he died. Ed said I did. All I know is that I cherish that day, and any reminder of it still makes me cry.

Bad Dream

I have been having a series of dreams recently where I'm much younger in my dream, and I'm with my parents, sometimes my sisters, and they are all much younger, too. Last night, actually this morning, the dream I was having woke me up.

I was in a house, not a familiar house, and the only detail I noticed was that there was a big picture window in the room. I was there along with my mom and my dad. Outside, I could see rolling hills and there was heavy snow falling--blizzard conditions with the snow drifting and the wind howling. The three of us were sitting around just talking, and all of a sudden I felt the room start moving. It was almost like being on a boat riding over the snow covered hills. I started getting scared, and my dad said we'd be okay once it stopped, but it didn't stop. It started picking up speed, and as I watched the hills go by faster and faster out the window, I knew in my gut this was going to end badly.

I realized that the room had detached from the house itself and we were headed for the ocean. Somehow at the last minute, I was able to escape out a window, and my dad also ended up standing on the beach with me. My mother was nowhere to be found, and I was so worried because I knew she couldn't swim and she was so fearful of the water. My dad and I stood there for a while watching the house sink into the water, and then we headed up the beach to another house, where my dad handed me silverware to set a table with...WTF?

Suddenly, I heard a commotion coming from the beach, and a little boy was screaming that my mother stepped on his head getting out of the floating room. I ran down to the beach, and there was my mother, standing soaking wet, smiling.

Weird dream.

Father's Day

Hi, Daddy,

Today is your special day, and you are not here. I miss you today, of course, but I miss you every day. You suffered so long, and were so weak at the end. Only because of the way it was in the end, do I know that you are now in a much better place.

Whenever I think about you, I still feel so sad and empty. Tears well up in my eyes right now. So, I just try to remember all the good things about you, what a wonderful husband, dad and man you were.

Thinking of you, today and always,

Your daughter

Gary Papa

Gary Papa died today. I feel like I've watched him my whole life, although that's not quite correct. He didn't become the ABC sportscaster in Philadelphia until 1981. In fact, he's only a year and a half older than me. Anyway, it's been a very long time that he's been the face of sports in Philly. Many people, I'm sure, will feel like they've lost a family member. He fought a very public battle against prostate cancer, and he sadly lost the battle today.

Sometimes I think my dad is gathering his favorite people to surround him in the after life--first Harry Kalas (the voice of the Phillies) and now Gary Papa.

Triggers

It was such a small thing, and yet it happens all the time, some little thing that triggers my thoughts about my dad. I printed packing slips today for the company that must not be named...my workplace, and there it was in the packing slip notes: Happy Father's Day, Dad.

This will be my first Father's Day without my dad. We always joked that it was a "Hallmark holiday", but my dad never failed to tell me what a nice card I sent him.

He died on December 5, 2008, and it still feels so fresh and raw to me. I miss him every day.

Sunday will be difficult.